Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
