if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
