Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize