apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
