You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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