if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
