I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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