the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I want a musical about memes.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
