i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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