the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
