well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
