1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
