so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
