I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
