he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
