Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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