Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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