I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
