He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
