i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
