Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She's JV to your varsity
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
