im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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