Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
