So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
