pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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