I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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