I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
