here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
