my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
