the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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