This is not my ceiling
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
