its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
