Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
