If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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