Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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