Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize