Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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