3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We named our party play list daddy issues
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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