apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
