Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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