I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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