the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
