you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
