So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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