I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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