So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
