It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
