I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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