I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
