I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I want her autograph on my taint
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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