Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
