A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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