naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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