Yo dont text me then not text me
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
