some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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