Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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